


True Facts About the Snake

by vgersix



Series: Crowley's Bestiary Adventures [1]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Comedy, Crowley Has TWO Penises, Crowley Has a Penis (Good Omens), DO NOT REPOST WORK, Established Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Established Relationship, He's Gonna Boop That Snoot, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), Ineffable Idiots (Good Omens), M/M, Masturbation, Post-Apoca-Didn't, Snake Crowley (Good Omens), Snek Facts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-15
Updated: 2019-08-15
Packaged: 2020-09-01 02:17:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20250538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vgersix/pseuds/vgersix
Summary: "Crowley," Aziraphale said, "what in the name of Heaven…""Ahieh-hael!" Crowley mumbled, smiling a big toothy grin. He slid the very wet, very excited looking organ out of his mouth, and tried again."Aziraphale! Did you know snakes have two penises? Oh, and uh… sorry. I fell off the bed."The angel gaped at him for a moment, then sighed, putting a hand to his brow in long-suffering resignation.





	True Facts About the Snake

**Author's Note:**

> Don't look at me. Don't ask me to explain this utter nonsense. And yes, title is a reference to the "True Facts About Animals" series by zefrank1 on YouTube.

Aziraphale stood up from where he'd been arranging books on the bottom shelf with some effort, stretching his back. At times, even an immortal body could feel old, and sitting in the floor tended to be harder and harder on his 6000 year old spine as time dragged on, it seemed.

Just as he was thinking about making a cup of tea, a loud crash reverberated through the upstairs floorboards. It sounded like someone had just knocked over a particularly heavy piece of furniture. 

"What in the world?" He remarked, hurrying upstairs.

He called out as he neared the top, "Crowley! Are you all right? What was that noise?"

He opened the door to the little flat he and Crowley had been sharing for the last several months, expecting to find the demon hurriedly picking up books, or apologizing about having knocked over the nightstand, or… something. What he saw instead was quite… altogether unexpected. 

Crowley was naked, on the floor, contorted into some humanly impossible shape, with his own cock in his mouth.

Aziraphale blinked, realizing quite suddenly that Crowley's… _other_ cock was in his hand. Both of them were quite erect.

"Crowley," Aziraphale said, "what in the name of Heaven…"

"Ahieh-hael!" Crowley mumbled, smiling a big toothy grin. He slid the very wet, very excited looking organ out of his mouth, and tried again. 

"Aziraphale! Did you know snakes have two penises? Oh, and uh… sorry. I fell off the bed."

The angel gaped at him for a moment, then sighed, putting a hand to his brow in long-suffering resignation. 

"Crowley, how many times must I tell you? You can't believe everything you read on the Internet."

The demon frowned, languidly stroking both of his dicks with one hand each. 

"You know I am _actually_ a snake sometimes, angel. Didn't _have_ to read about it."

"Ah, right," said Aziraphale, somewhat distracted by Crowley's hands rising up and down in unison.

"Anyway," Crowley said, sounding quite relaxed, "I got to thinking about snake characteristics and… well, my spine has always been rather flexible, you know."

Aziraphale thought to the last time he'd had Crowley pinned to the bed, flat on his back, and how, at the moment of orgasm, Crowley's neck and head, which had been hanging off the side, had more or less disappeared underneath it as he craned his neck back and over the edge. 

"Uh... Yes, dear. I'm aware."

Crowley huffed, looking a bit indignant.

"Look, you've never tried to do something just to see if you could or not?"

Aziraphale sighed. 

"Yes, Crowley. I took up knitting. It's a perfectly respectable hobby. This…" he waved one hand in Crowley's direction. "Well, I'm not exactly sure _what_ this is, but respectable is not the first word that comes to mind."

"It's unkind to yuck other people's yums, angel."

"I don't know what that means."

"Don't kinkshame me."

"I don't know what that means, either."

"I was just curious, all right?" Crowley said. "We've done some pretty weird shit the last couple of months. And I've rather liked all of it. Excuse me for having a spark of creativity!"

All the while through the course of this little, in Aziraphale's opinion, rather absurd and baffling conversation, Crowley continued to stroke himself. Now his breath was hitching, and he let go of one of the penises just long enough to raise a finger in Aziraphale's direction.

"Hold that thought, angel."

He bent back over into the impossible angle he'd been at when Aziraphale had first walked in, straining his back well beyond human capability, and sucked hungrily at the cock.

Aziraphale crossed his arms, scowling down at the scene before him.

"I have got _customers_ downstairs, you know."

Crowley hummed, rolling his eyes, then rolled them right back into his head, humming again. 

"Hmmmm…" he moaned appreciatively.

"Oh, good lord," said Aziraphale, leaning on the door, and tapping one foot rather impatiently.

Crowley raised his head, moving to suck the other cock, taking the first one in hand. 

"Seems you've found a design flaw," Aziraphale said sarcastically. "You're going to want to grow a second mouth, next."

Crowley came up for air just long enough to say, "Shut up. I'm almost done, here."

"Well, do get on with it."

And sure enough, a few seconds later, Crowley's brow furrowed into a familiar frown, the cock popped free of his mouth, and he was stroking both penises quite furiously until one spurted with a violent orgasm, followed closely by the other.

Crowley made some inarticulate noise of pleasure, and fell backwards, cracking his skull on the hardwood floor.

"Owwww…" he said, not sounding particularly pained.

Aziraphale regarded his lover dispassionately. Not for the first time, he reflected that he'd managed to fall in love with quite possibly the biggest idiot Hell had to offer. Not that he'd have it any other way.

He walked over to where Crowley was now prone on the floor, his mouth open and eyes shut.

"All right," the demon said, eyes still closed. "You've got a point. It would be better with two mouths."

Aziraphale raised an eyebrow. "I'm sorry, dear. I'm not staying for that display. I'm afraid it all sounds quite a bit too Boschian."

Crowley opened his eyes. 

"Not _me_, angel. I think we can agree the sight of this perfect face marred with that particular brand of body horror would be too much to bear."

Aziraphale glared down at him, uncomprehending.

"_Your_ mouth, you great holy idiot," Crowley said. "We can make out in between and rub our faces together. It'll be lovely, and disgusting, and very nice."

Aziraphale's eyebrows shot up. 

"_Oh_," he said. "Well, I suppose I'd better go close shop, then."

Crowley grinned, his teeth appearing a bit longer than usual, forked tongue darting between them.

"Sss-suppose ss-so."

***


End file.
